You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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