Are we in a gay sports bar?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
