i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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