Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
