You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
