dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
