My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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