If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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