I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
