Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
