The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
