The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize