thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
