Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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