i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
