Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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