I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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