My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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