If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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