I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
