1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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