Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we're so committed to being not committed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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