I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
