My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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