there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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