good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
