He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
