I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize