Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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