...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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