I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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