Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
