i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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