Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Drunk is not a location!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
