This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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