So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We left the knife in your bed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
