I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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