come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
