I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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