you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
