isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
