She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
