Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
