my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
