hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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