Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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