I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
