drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
