i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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