I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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