Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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