Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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