Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
