we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
