the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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