I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
