i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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