Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
